31.08.19

Liberation is found by confronting your fears and pain!


This sentence struck me like a bolt between the eyes.  Our fear and pain keep us paralysed and unable to act in a functional and healthy manner.  And it becomes such an easy although uncomfortable place to stay..........but we stay.

Why?

Because pain and fear are accepted society norms........Society controls through emotions of pain and fear.  That keeps us behaving in a manner which is not threatening to others who use pain, fear and intimidation to prevent us from seeing how damaged they are,  and thereby not challenging them.

It occurred to me today,  I am in control of me..........therefore I have the ability to confront my fear and pain.  Unpack the unmentionables,   nurture the pain,  throw light on the fear and let all the skeletons fall out of the cupboard into the light.  Only then can I begin to heal and let go of the fear.

My intention this month was to step into my power,  and use my unique voice.

This is the first step.

So be it and so it is.

26.08.19

As I type now I am sitting waiting for court to commence.  Due to the epic failure of our health system,  it is very likely that my son will be incarcerated until a bed in a mental institution come available.   This could take 8 months.   By that stage I will have lost him for good.  Whatever dark hole he is in will just grow new rooms for him to retreat into.  Flipping over into the fantasy world that he has always retreated in order to cope with his world.

His fantasy world has progressively become more macabre and violent. Our criminal justice system will not help remediate this in any manner.  In fact it will feed and nurture the fantasy.

I am no longer angry,   just empty.   The realisation that his childhood experiences and the mental and emotional abuse he suffered has now created the creature he is.   The anger and resentment he felt towards his step father now has spilled  over into young woman who are as vulnerable as he was as a child and teenager. This is when you realise that love is not enough.  That no matter how hard you fight,  it is out of your control.

So where to now?

The right thing to do is to reach out to the victims affected by his behaviour.  Creating a platform for conversation, engagement, a place to start  the healing.  We live in a society that accepts violence as the norm. Politically it is endorsed,  society fiercely protects their patriarchal viewpoints creating an ever increasing spiral of control. 

The weapons are fear, intimidation and force.

Fuelled by shame –

• ·         The young boy being told not to cry
• ·         The teen entering an institution where older teens enforce “initiation",   which scared them at that age
• ·         Being bullied for being different
• ·         Being mocked by superiors threatened by your initiative and innovation

Shame grown through fear of emotion, connection, authenticity,  truth and vulnerability. Society encourages it,  then those who are working from a place of SHAME have control and nobody sees their shame.

The result of today's appearance is that he is held in custody until he has been seen by a District Surgeon to determine if he is fit to stand trail.

Tomorrow is the next step.