31.08.19

Liberation is found by confronting your fears and pain!


This sentence struck me like a bolt between the eyes.  Our fear and pain keep us paralysed and unable to act in a functional and healthy manner.  And it becomes such an easy although uncomfortable place to stay..........but we stay.

Why?

Because pain and fear are accepted society norms........Society controls through emotions of pain and fear.  That keeps us behaving in a manner which is not threatening to others who use pain, fear and intimidation to prevent us from seeing how damaged they are,  and thereby not challenging them.

It occurred to me today,  I am in control of me..........therefore I have the ability to confront my fear and pain.  Unpack the unmentionables,   nurture the pain,  throw light on the fear and let all the skeletons fall out of the cupboard into the light.  Only then can I begin to heal and let go of the fear.

My intention this month was to step into my power,  and use my unique voice.

This is the first step.

So be it and so it is.

30.08.19

My blog is called Chickens in my Kitchen and Life.  This is for a very good reason,  and today as I was processing a thought about not speaking my voice authentically,  I realised that the teacher was small,  black and covered in feathers and attitude!!!!!!!!!

The challenge was where is my weak spot,  where do I give away my power.  I realised that I have never felt the ability to stand up for what I want. My dreams, needs and desires.  I can protect and stand up for others,  champion their cause.  But when it comes to me,  I cave.  Bow to pressure of other peoples needs, while knowing it is not what I truly want...............all that does it bred resentment.

Here is the thing...............I, ME , MYSELF,  nobody else is doing this.

I GIVE AWAY MY POWER.

And I have done it my entire life.

So what does this have to do with chickens???

I have a new resident,  a wee black hen from next door.  They are fondly known as the illegal immigrants.  Her mom and siblings have moved one,  not sure where to, but she has stayed.

She has savvy in abundance,  sass by the bucket load,  and when she stares me down with her beady chicken eye...........I understand that birds are the closest living creatures to dinosaurs.  

She comes when I call, runs to greet me when she sees me,  but she walks independently. If my offerings are not up to scratch,  she leaves.  Sometimes she just hangs out while I am hanging up the washing, and wanders into the house to check out what is going on.   The older chickens are mean to her,  and she shrugs it off with little concern.  She knows what she wants,  and goes about getting it.

Her self containment is obvious,  and she walks with confidence.  

She is one very together chicken!

The Universe sends teachers....................Mine has feathers!

29.08.19

The blessing of solitude...........

Today I have been home the whole day,  and spent most of it on my own.  I have painted, sorted, painted some more and tidied.

It has been fabulous..........I am recharged.

None of the issues have gone away,  but I have had a moment to regroup,  rethink and find some place of settled inside.

When was the last time, you took time for yourself???  

Remember that the bucket which does not replenish itself,  cannot serve endlessly to others.

On the eve of tomorrow's new moon,  I have taken the time to reflect and determine how to move forward.  This has been done consciously rather than desperately grasping and opportunities or ideas as I live busily.

You deserve it,  as much as the people you influence and have contact with deserve to have the best of you present.

28.08.19

Sitting at the courts again today, accompanying a young woman to put a restraining order in.  A woman came in, covered in blood with a facial injury.   

She sat there trying to hide her face, whilst repeatedly touching the injury.  It must  have been incredibly painful. 

She was feeling shame!!!!!!

That is the state of our society where the victims are made to feel shamed by the violent actions of others.

I was overcome with an intense feeling of rage.

All the while her phone was constantly going off with messages, faster than she could even begin to reply.

After an intense conversation with Court officials she left.  I looked at the woman who had tried to talk to her.  They were utterly frustrated……………….this woman refused help.  She was going back to the man who had beaten her. 

I will never know what those messages were, but hazard an educated guess which was supported by the official’s conversation -

• ·         I am sorry, I would not have done this if you had not done ………………
• ·         I love you, it will not happen again.  Until next time ………………………….
• ·         You deserve it
• ·         You do not understand the pressure I am under because of you

The list of excuses for a man to beat a woman who was half his size and pregnant with his child is NEVER an excuse,  that is not a man.  That is a bully and a coward.

As the official said,  the next time they will be recovering her body……………..and life goes on with sad nods.

27.08.19

Today was one of the most difficult things I have had to do in the last two weeks...........

I met with a female acquaintance of my son.  He has confessed to a dangerous and threatening situation which would hurt and maybe kill this young woman.

In a very civilised environment,  I met with her and her mother.  Over tea and coffee I had to tell her of the danger she was in,  and the steps I had put in place for others.

Sitting across the table from a young woman who could be my daughter,  and her mother who was trying to be as kind as possible ,  I advised her to put a restraining order into place.  Then watching her listen to the recorded admission I could have been physically ill.  No apologies could ever take away the shattering implication that someone you liked was so mentally ill that you could lose your life.

Then travelling home,  I was listening to a young man who has an aggressive cancer.  He is so positive ,  wanting to be the 40% that may recover.  He WANTS to live and have a future...............

My son has EVERYTHING this young man needs.

And it is not enough.

26.08.19

As I type now I am sitting waiting for court to commence.  Due to the epic failure of our health system,  it is very likely that my son will be incarcerated until a bed in a mental institution come available.   This could take 8 months.   By that stage I will have lost him for good.  Whatever dark hole he is in will just grow new rooms for him to retreat into.  Flipping over into the fantasy world that he has always retreated in order to cope with his world.

His fantasy world has progressively become more macabre and violent. Our criminal justice system will not help remediate this in any manner.  In fact it will feed and nurture the fantasy.

I am no longer angry,   just empty.   The realisation that his childhood experiences and the mental and emotional abuse he suffered has now created the creature he is.   The anger and resentment he felt towards his step father now has spilled  over into young woman who are as vulnerable as he was as a child and teenager. This is when you realise that love is not enough.  That no matter how hard you fight,  it is out of your control.

So where to now?

The right thing to do is to reach out to the victims affected by his behaviour.  Creating a platform for conversation, engagement, a place to start  the healing.  We live in a society that accepts violence as the norm. Politically it is endorsed,  society fiercely protects their patriarchal viewpoints creating an ever increasing spiral of control. 

The weapons are fear, intimidation and force.

Fuelled by shame –

• ·         The young boy being told not to cry
• ·         The teen entering an institution where older teens enforce “initiation",   which scared them at that age
• ·         Being bullied for being different
• ·         Being mocked by superiors threatened by your initiative and innovation

Shame grown through fear of emotion, connection, authenticity,  truth and vulnerability. Society encourages it,  then those who are working from a place of SHAME have control and nobody sees their shame.

The result of today's appearance is that he is held in custody until he has been seen by a District Surgeon to determine if he is fit to stand trail.

Tomorrow is the next step.

25.08.19

Today I dealt with anger

I painted

I made a mess

I enjoyed my mess

The mess sounded like dragons on the canvas

I am at peace.

Tomorrow I will fight the real dragons................our Mental Health and Criminal Justice Systems.

24.08.19

Today I watched people I care so deeply for struggle under the load of the actions of someone they love.  And the worst thing is that I cannot help.  

I am trying to fight a system which is bigger than I am.

Trying to fight the injustice and apathy of a country that I love and belong to.  Who has just switched the abuse from one race to another.

Trying to contain the anger that bubbles up within me as I watch someone who believes they are entitled and untouchable,  carelessly put people's lives at risk.

Trying to be normal in the face of people I do not want to explain things to,  partly because I am so tired and partly because I do not have any answers.

Trying to be the bigger person.

and I will go to sleep tonight,

and try again tomorrow.

23.08.19

Tonight I am angry.............very angry at the Government Departments in South Africa and their refusal to accept the responsibility that their jobs demand.

My son has been admitted for a 72 hour observation in terms of the Mental Health Act.  He has confessed that he is a danger to other and the Doctor acknowledges this, she also acknowledged he was a danger to others.  Today I sat in a meeting with this woman who told me he has a personality disorder which could not be remediated by the Mental Health division and so needed to be addressed by the Criminal Justice division. She told me categorically that NO medication or PSYCHOLOGICAL intervention would work,  and someone , somewhere needed to lay a charge.

I asked her that knowing an individual was dangerous and would hurt, maim or kill another individual,  and doing nothing about that made one accountable.................she ignored that question. 

AND

discharged him. 

BUT

she discharged him with medication that treats a mood disorder which qualifies him for Mental Health Care. (but categorically told me that medication would not work)

AND

she has booked him in as an Out Patient in the local Government Mental Hospital.

My son is now sitting in a holding cell at the local Police Station,  pending his court appearance on Monday.  His biological father laid a charge of assault and intimidation.

My son is safe although incarcerated and the people he has threatened are safe for the time being.

WHERE IS THE JUSTICE AND PROTECTION OF ALL??

And guess what......

August is Woman's month in South Africa.     A month dedicated to the protection of the vulnerable in our society.  A woman who has taken the Hippocratic oath to protect life.............compromised everyone.

22.08.19

Blog everyday - something you see , a point of view.

Today I stepped into help the gap left by my son at the place he and his half sister work.  He was involved in the kitchen as well and managing the club.  His sister is a whizz at management of clients, the bar,  the nitty gritty of "out of the kitchen" stuff. 

She had to make chicken curry and did not have a clue............so I briefly took of my apron to drive across there and put it back on to make the food.  (My aprons and I are very close,  much to the amusement of my children)

There was a lovely lady that has been running the kitchen for the last few years and doing a damn fine job WITHOUT the resources and support she needed.

So here is my point of view...........

If you want someone to do their job happily and properly,  make SURE -

• You have given them the tools to do their work
• You have given them the correct space to work
• You have given them the resources to complete their tasks
• You have given them the assurance that they are equipped and do NOT need to be micro-managed
• You are prepared to share ideas, trade information and honour their knowledge
• You are determined to empower them and allow them the dignity of a job well done.

IF

You cannot do that -

• You are not a leader
• You are not empowering
• You are not sharing and growing

AND

If you cannot take the heat ........... get out of the kitchen!

FYJ 2019 21.08.19

Part of the Finding Your Joy course was a video interview with Seth Godwin.  He had many intriguing and thought provoking ideas and suggestions.  He also did not take any prisoners..............refreshing and daunting at the same time.

He encouraged us to blog every day about a point of view,  something we see.  The aim was not to garner followers but rather to change the way our brains are wired.

Today's point of view......the vulnerability and the tenacity of the human spirit.  My son was admitted for psych evaluation in a public hospital in South Africa. Today I was aware of the myriad of engagements through eye contact and questions.  The old man lying alone ,  the male patient staring into space and the fleeting connection of our eyes.  To smile at him and see the surprise and then the response of one human being to another.  The greeting and friendly asking of questions to Security personal and Staff,  to watch the body soften and the willingness to share information and direction.

To see my son, the child I fought so hard for and now a man who has made decisions that will have an irrevocable impact in his life.  Watching the separation of  mind from self and family. To know I cannot reach or change anything.

Amid poverty, illness, fear, abandonment, exhaustion, tedious and repetitive work actions,  acknowledgement of the fact that you are human and you exist made a difference to a complete stranger.

We are wired for connection,  and for the majority validation of existence and connection is not complicated.  We are the change agents of our environment, the choice to be kind, engaged and open rests with us.