26.08.19

As I type now I am sitting waiting for court to commence.  Due to the epic failure of our health system,  it is very likely that my son will be incarcerated until a bed in a mental institution come available.   This could take 8 months.   By that stage I will have lost him for good.  Whatever dark hole he is in will just grow new rooms for him to retreat into.  Flipping over into the fantasy world that he has always retreated in order to cope with his world.

His fantasy world has progressively become more macabre and violent. Our criminal justice system will not help remediate this in any manner.  In fact it will feed and nurture the fantasy.

I am no longer angry,   just empty.   The realisation that his childhood experiences and the mental and emotional abuse he suffered has now created the creature he is.   The anger and resentment he felt towards his step father now has spilled  over into young woman who are as vulnerable as he was as a child and teenager. This is when you realise that love is not enough.  That no matter how hard you fight,  it is out of your control.

So where to now?

The right thing to do is to reach out to the victims affected by his behaviour.  Creating a platform for conversation, engagement, a place to start  the healing.  We live in a society that accepts violence as the norm. Politically it is endorsed,  society fiercely protects their patriarchal viewpoints creating an ever increasing spiral of control. 

The weapons are fear, intimidation and force.

Fuelled by shame –

• ·         The young boy being told not to cry
• ·         The teen entering an institution where older teens enforce “initiation",   which scared them at that age
• ·         Being bullied for being different
• ·         Being mocked by superiors threatened by your initiative and innovation

Shame grown through fear of emotion, connection, authenticity,  truth and vulnerability. Society encourages it,  then those who are working from a place of SHAME have control and nobody sees their shame.

The result of today's appearance is that he is held in custody until he has been seen by a District Surgeon to determine if he is fit to stand trail.

Tomorrow is the next step.

23.08.19

Tonight I am angry.............very angry at the Government Departments in South Africa and their refusal to accept the responsibility that their jobs demand.

My son has been admitted for a 72 hour observation in terms of the Mental Health Act.  He has confessed that he is a danger to other and the Doctor acknowledges this, she also acknowledged he was a danger to others.  Today I sat in a meeting with this woman who told me he has a personality disorder which could not be remediated by the Mental Health division and so needed to be addressed by the Criminal Justice division. She told me categorically that NO medication or PSYCHOLOGICAL intervention would work,  and someone , somewhere needed to lay a charge.

I asked her that knowing an individual was dangerous and would hurt, maim or kill another individual,  and doing nothing about that made one accountable.................she ignored that question. 

AND

discharged him. 

BUT

she discharged him with medication that treats a mood disorder which qualifies him for Mental Health Care. (but categorically told me that medication would not work)

AND

she has booked him in as an Out Patient in the local Government Mental Hospital.

My son is now sitting in a holding cell at the local Police Station,  pending his court appearance on Monday.  His biological father laid a charge of assault and intimidation.

My son is safe although incarcerated and the people he has threatened are safe for the time being.

WHERE IS THE JUSTICE AND PROTECTION OF ALL??

And guess what......

August is Woman's month in South Africa.     A month dedicated to the protection of the vulnerable in our society.  A woman who has taken the Hippocratic oath to protect life.............compromised everyone.

FYJ 2019 21.08.19

Part of the Finding Your Joy course was a video interview with Seth Godwin.  He had many intriguing and thought provoking ideas and suggestions.  He also did not take any prisoners..............refreshing and daunting at the same time.

He encouraged us to blog every day about a point of view,  something we see.  The aim was not to garner followers but rather to change the way our brains are wired.

Today's point of view......the vulnerability and the tenacity of the human spirit.  My son was admitted for psych evaluation in a public hospital in South Africa. Today I was aware of the myriad of engagements through eye contact and questions.  The old man lying alone ,  the male patient staring into space and the fleeting connection of our eyes.  To smile at him and see the surprise and then the response of one human being to another.  The greeting and friendly asking of questions to Security personal and Staff,  to watch the body soften and the willingness to share information and direction.

To see my son, the child I fought so hard for and now a man who has made decisions that will have an irrevocable impact in his life.  Watching the separation of  mind from self and family. To know I cannot reach or change anything.

Amid poverty, illness, fear, abandonment, exhaustion, tedious and repetitive work actions,  acknowledgement of the fact that you are human and you exist made a difference to a complete stranger.

We are wired for connection,  and for the majority validation of existence and connection is not complicated.  We are the change agents of our environment, the choice to be kind, engaged and open rests with us.

The Elephant in the Room

Amongst all the angst and disruption that the termination of a relationship brings is one we often choose to ignore,  or at best speak of in hushed tones.  The emotional and mental fall out.  Mental health issues are starting to be discussed on public forums,  and it is about time.  However the reality is many people feel so ashamed, they do not allow others to glimpse into their personal turmoil.

In 2009 I struggled with my own mental health issues,  diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder......it took me two years to fight to get my health back with the assistance of a wise and wonderful psychologist.  The physical and psychological scars still remained compounded with the guilt of how it affected my family.

During the process of the divorce, I found my fight was being undermined by chronic, debilitating anxiety and fear. Grocery shopping became an ordeal.  I would find myself paralysed in the middle of the canned food aisle,  trying to control the need to flee.  I was so reluctant to ask for help as I felt it would reinforce the belief that I was "crazy",  but the rational fortunately prevailed and I reached out to my psychologist.  I recognised the symptoms and knew I could not do this on my own.  Being rational about this did not stop the anger and feeling that I had utterly failed.  I fought going back onto medication,  and raged about the fact I had worked so hard at getting well and was now back where I started.  My ego was having a full blown Prima Donna moment.

HOWEVER

It was the best thing I could ever have done.  I started to unpack, categorise and repack..........and because of who I am, unpack it all again.  It allowed the process of grieving to begin.  It allowed me to merge previous reality with present reality.  To accept that it was okay to feel the way I did,  and I was going to be absolutely fine.

This is where you start to heal.  The scars are not going away,  but they hopefully will make me wiser, compassionate and understanding.

"A healer does not heal you.  A healer is someone who holds space for you while you awaken your inner healer, so you may heal yourself"

Maryam Hasnaa

I have been so blessed not only with my psychologist ,who is fantastic,  but all the people in my life who did not judge me,  did not question me, did not shun me and held the space for me while I found my feet.  People who I have met through this process who have just been there,  been kind, been real.

Thank you!!