04.10.19

Fear is a response of a threat.............

Therefore fear is not an emotion,  rather a physiological response in order to protect us as a species.

This is why a sociopath can experience fear and no other emotion.

Anger is a secondary response to an unresolved primary response.

Anger can be a response to an unresolved fear.

Once again a sociopath can experience anger.

This realisation and understanding has led to a settling and peace,  whilst trying to cognitively understand the responses of two people close to me.

23.09.19

It occurs to me as I get older and somewhat wiser in this BEAUTIFUL country we live in that

• There will always be that person who will go out of their way to fail you,  and those reasons are not yours.  They belong to them........let them own them.
• There will always be that person who will go out of their way to help you.  Thank and appreciate them.
• There will always be that person who will go out of their way to pretend you are invisible,  thank them too.  You do not need people like that in your camp.
• There will always be that person who will go out of their way to betray you.  Thank them for letting you see who and what they are.  Now you know what choices you have to make.

Every day you have the choice to be one of these people -  choose well and consciously.

15.09.19

I am an artist amongst other things.  It occurred to me today the ease of using your skin as a canvas.  And I have done that since 2009,  self harm.   Another issue not discussed.  Today I, made a pact with my left arm.  Going forward.....we will use canvas.

To those who hurt themselves.   There is another option if you want.

Please ask me.

12.09.19

Ooops so much for writing on a daily basis.........

Today I visited my child in prison.

That's it.................I have nothing else to share.

09.09.19

Today my parents have been married for 58 years.  A testament to a commitment and life together.  It was bitter sweet.  Never in all my imagining could I have expected not to be working towards that with my husband.

But life throws you curve balls and it is what you do with those that matter.

Sooooooooo

After a year and a half of having my life turned upside down,  and nearly a year to the termination of my marriage what have I done with the curve balls..............

• Felt very sorry for myself
• Felt more sorry for myself
• Gotten very angry
• Cried a lot and then some more
• Tried to be mature
• Realised that was not working
• Cried some more
• Raged at my ex- husband
• Cried
• Self destructed
• Rationalised
• Realised logic did not work
• Raged
• Self destructed some more
• Collected myself and reverted to being mature
• Realised I sucked as an adult

THEN I STOPPED

............well actually I was encouraged 

I began to paint,  I had a beautiful, wise and very tolerant friend who was not going to let me give up.  So we began to paint on a group together.  

This is part of the process that is saving my life.......and hopefully giving hope to the people that have been irrevocably damaged in this process.

P.S.  I love the people who have never given up on me and you all know who you are...........thank you.

07.09.19

Tiredness comes in all shapes and forms............

Some from a physical nature........this is comfortable and good tired. 

Some from an emotional nature ............this is uncomfortable and draining tired.

Some from a mental nature ...................this is uncomfortable but manageable tired.

Then you get emotional, mental tired which spills over into physical tired ................this is  exhausting.

This is when the reservoirs are empty as there is little positive flowing in to replenish the endless drain.

This tired makes you want to head up to the deepest darkest cave and stay there for a very long time.

I am looking for that cave.

06.09.19

We give little concern to the power people have over the events that affect or effect our lives,  until it impacts.  The last few weeks have shown that our country is not gripped by inefficiency,  although that has an enormous impact.  Our country is gripped by RACISM....................

There I said it,  as a white person who is by default racist..........

As we stand now,  two woman have the power to irrevocably change lives by their INACTION and what I consider to be deliberate OBSTRUCTION.

The first was the FEMALE Doctor from Edendale Hospital who discharged a mentally,  psychotic and dangerous man back into society.  She acknowledged he was dangerous  but was not prepared to do anything about it.

The second a FEMALE Public Prosecutor from the Magistrate's Court who refuses to sign a form to have him transferred to a Mental Institution for assessment and treatment.

Our country is gripped with gender based violence and in August .......Woman's Month.  Both these woman have consciously chosen to ignore the Mental Health Act and the Criminal Procedure Act.

I would like to know what they will have to say to the loved ones of the victim of violence which IS going to be perpetrated against a vulnerable person.

04.09.19

South Africa is gripped in a wave of violence, genocide, femicide , infanticide, rape and murder.

And there is silence.................

Silence from our

 GOVERNMENT

CHURCHES

ARMY

and 

the General Public have had

ENOUGH

Our Police Force and Justice System is 

SWAMPED

UNSUPPORTED

CORRUPT 

OVERWHELMED 

Alan Paton's book and words are so relevant now,  with a different government and supposed freedom of the masses.  We are still the same,  just more marginalised.

CRY OUR BELOVED COUNTRY

03.09.19

Abundance

Our Intentions create the abundance of what we experience in our lives.

A thought 

creates a physical, mental and emotional response in our body

It becomes response

As it becomes concrete

It becomes a thing.

Just like a snowball running down hill,  it gains momentum.   Our intentions are our thoughts which we have given energy and that will manifest in our lives.  

That creates abundance

Generally when we are asked, we assume abundance to be something positive and huge................

BUT

if our thoughts are negative or unclear,  that becomes the abundance we create.

Create thoughts of

happiness

joy

peace

positivity

love

hope

Be the CREATION

you want to see in your life and the life of others.

02.09.19

The Power of Silence

The power our behaviour has on others is profound.  It has occurred to me that we are often so absorbed in what we are doing,  motivated by what we are needing that we disregard the effect it has on others.

We are also quiet about what could potentially offend or make a situation uncomfortable.

The more politically correct our society gets.......................and in South Africa it is horrifically, increasingly politically correct that GOOD people shut up as not to offend.


The result is that perpetrators of violence, femicide, homicide etc............simply hide under the patriarchal belief that they are entitled. 

It need to STOP!

Make a difference.................be the difference.

31.08.19

Liberation is found by confronting your fears and pain!


This sentence struck me like a bolt between the eyes.  Our fear and pain keep us paralysed and unable to act in a functional and healthy manner.  And it becomes such an easy although uncomfortable place to stay..........but we stay.

Why?

Because pain and fear are accepted society norms........Society controls through emotions of pain and fear.  That keeps us behaving in a manner which is not threatening to others who use pain, fear and intimidation to prevent us from seeing how damaged they are,  and thereby not challenging them.

It occurred to me today,  I am in control of me..........therefore I have the ability to confront my fear and pain.  Unpack the unmentionables,   nurture the pain,  throw light on the fear and let all the skeletons fall out of the cupboard into the light.  Only then can I begin to heal and let go of the fear.

My intention this month was to step into my power,  and use my unique voice.

This is the first step.

So be it and so it is.

30.08.19

My blog is called Chickens in my Kitchen and Life.  This is for a very good reason,  and today as I was processing a thought about not speaking my voice authentically,  I realised that the teacher was small,  black and covered in feathers and attitude!!!!!!!!!

The challenge was where is my weak spot,  where do I give away my power.  I realised that I have never felt the ability to stand up for what I want. My dreams, needs and desires.  I can protect and stand up for others,  champion their cause.  But when it comes to me,  I cave.  Bow to pressure of other peoples needs, while knowing it is not what I truly want...............all that does it bred resentment.

Here is the thing...............I, ME , MYSELF,  nobody else is doing this.

I GIVE AWAY MY POWER.

And I have done it my entire life.

So what does this have to do with chickens???

I have a new resident,  a wee black hen from next door.  They are fondly known as the illegal immigrants.  Her mom and siblings have moved one,  not sure where to, but she has stayed.

She has savvy in abundance,  sass by the bucket load,  and when she stares me down with her beady chicken eye...........I understand that birds are the closest living creatures to dinosaurs.  

She comes when I call, runs to greet me when she sees me,  but she walks independently. If my offerings are not up to scratch,  she leaves.  Sometimes she just hangs out while I am hanging up the washing, and wanders into the house to check out what is going on.   The older chickens are mean to her,  and she shrugs it off with little concern.  She knows what she wants,  and goes about getting it.

Her self containment is obvious,  and she walks with confidence.  

She is one very together chicken!

The Universe sends teachers....................Mine has feathers!

29.08.19

The blessing of solitude...........

Today I have been home the whole day,  and spent most of it on my own.  I have painted, sorted, painted some more and tidied.

It has been fabulous..........I am recharged.

None of the issues have gone away,  but I have had a moment to regroup,  rethink and find some place of settled inside.

When was the last time, you took time for yourself???  

Remember that the bucket which does not replenish itself,  cannot serve endlessly to others.

On the eve of tomorrow's new moon,  I have taken the time to reflect and determine how to move forward.  This has been done consciously rather than desperately grasping and opportunities or ideas as I live busily.

You deserve it,  as much as the people you influence and have contact with deserve to have the best of you present.

28.08.19

Sitting at the courts again today, accompanying a young woman to put a restraining order in.  A woman came in, covered in blood with a facial injury.   

She sat there trying to hide her face, whilst repeatedly touching the injury.  It must  have been incredibly painful. 

She was feeling shame!!!!!!

That is the state of our society where the victims are made to feel shamed by the violent actions of others.

I was overcome with an intense feeling of rage.

All the while her phone was constantly going off with messages, faster than she could even begin to reply.

After an intense conversation with Court officials she left.  I looked at the woman who had tried to talk to her.  They were utterly frustrated……………….this woman refused help.  She was going back to the man who had beaten her. 

I will never know what those messages were, but hazard an educated guess which was supported by the official’s conversation -

• ·         I am sorry, I would not have done this if you had not done ………………
• ·         I love you, it will not happen again.  Until next time ………………………….
• ·         You deserve it
• ·         You do not understand the pressure I am under because of you

The list of excuses for a man to beat a woman who was half his size and pregnant with his child is NEVER an excuse,  that is not a man.  That is a bully and a coward.

As the official said,  the next time they will be recovering her body……………..and life goes on with sad nods.

27.08.19

Today was one of the most difficult things I have had to do in the last two weeks...........

I met with a female acquaintance of my son.  He has confessed to a dangerous and threatening situation which would hurt and maybe kill this young woman.

In a very civilised environment,  I met with her and her mother.  Over tea and coffee I had to tell her of the danger she was in,  and the steps I had put in place for others.

Sitting across the table from a young woman who could be my daughter,  and her mother who was trying to be as kind as possible ,  I advised her to put a restraining order into place.  Then watching her listen to the recorded admission I could have been physically ill.  No apologies could ever take away the shattering implication that someone you liked was so mentally ill that you could lose your life.

Then travelling home,  I was listening to a young man who has an aggressive cancer.  He is so positive ,  wanting to be the 40% that may recover.  He WANTS to live and have a future...............

My son has EVERYTHING this young man needs.

And it is not enough.

26.08.19

As I type now I am sitting waiting for court to commence.  Due to the epic failure of our health system,  it is very likely that my son will be incarcerated until a bed in a mental institution come available.   This could take 8 months.   By that stage I will have lost him for good.  Whatever dark hole he is in will just grow new rooms for him to retreat into.  Flipping over into the fantasy world that he has always retreated in order to cope with his world.

His fantasy world has progressively become more macabre and violent. Our criminal justice system will not help remediate this in any manner.  In fact it will feed and nurture the fantasy.

I am no longer angry,   just empty.   The realisation that his childhood experiences and the mental and emotional abuse he suffered has now created the creature he is.   The anger and resentment he felt towards his step father now has spilled  over into young woman who are as vulnerable as he was as a child and teenager. This is when you realise that love is not enough.  That no matter how hard you fight,  it is out of your control.

So where to now?

The right thing to do is to reach out to the victims affected by his behaviour.  Creating a platform for conversation, engagement, a place to start  the healing.  We live in a society that accepts violence as the norm. Politically it is endorsed,  society fiercely protects their patriarchal viewpoints creating an ever increasing spiral of control. 

The weapons are fear, intimidation and force.

Fuelled by shame –

• ·         The young boy being told not to cry
• ·         The teen entering an institution where older teens enforce “initiation",   which scared them at that age
• ·         Being bullied for being different
• ·         Being mocked by superiors threatened by your initiative and innovation

Shame grown through fear of emotion, connection, authenticity,  truth and vulnerability. Society encourages it,  then those who are working from a place of SHAME have control and nobody sees their shame.

The result of today's appearance is that he is held in custody until he has been seen by a District Surgeon to determine if he is fit to stand trail.

Tomorrow is the next step.

25.08.19

Today I dealt with anger

I painted

I made a mess

I enjoyed my mess

The mess sounded like dragons on the canvas

I am at peace.

Tomorrow I will fight the real dragons................our Mental Health and Criminal Justice Systems.

24.08.19

Today I watched people I care so deeply for struggle under the load of the actions of someone they love.  And the worst thing is that I cannot help.  

I am trying to fight a system which is bigger than I am.

Trying to fight the injustice and apathy of a country that I love and belong to.  Who has just switched the abuse from one race to another.

Trying to contain the anger that bubbles up within me as I watch someone who believes they are entitled and untouchable,  carelessly put people's lives at risk.

Trying to be normal in the face of people I do not want to explain things to,  partly because I am so tired and partly because I do not have any answers.

Trying to be the bigger person.

and I will go to sleep tonight,

and try again tomorrow.

23.08.19

Tonight I am angry.............very angry at the Government Departments in South Africa and their refusal to accept the responsibility that their jobs demand.

My son has been admitted for a 72 hour observation in terms of the Mental Health Act.  He has confessed that he is a danger to other and the Doctor acknowledges this, she also acknowledged he was a danger to others.  Today I sat in a meeting with this woman who told me he has a personality disorder which could not be remediated by the Mental Health division and so needed to be addressed by the Criminal Justice division. She told me categorically that NO medication or PSYCHOLOGICAL intervention would work,  and someone , somewhere needed to lay a charge.

I asked her that knowing an individual was dangerous and would hurt, maim or kill another individual,  and doing nothing about that made one accountable.................she ignored that question. 

AND

discharged him. 

BUT

she discharged him with medication that treats a mood disorder which qualifies him for Mental Health Care. (but categorically told me that medication would not work)

AND

she has booked him in as an Out Patient in the local Government Mental Hospital.

My son is now sitting in a holding cell at the local Police Station,  pending his court appearance on Monday.  His biological father laid a charge of assault and intimidation.

My son is safe although incarcerated and the people he has threatened are safe for the time being.

WHERE IS THE JUSTICE AND PROTECTION OF ALL??

And guess what......

August is Woman's month in South Africa.     A month dedicated to the protection of the vulnerable in our society.  A woman who has taken the Hippocratic oath to protect life.............compromised everyone.

22.08.19

Blog everyday - something you see , a point of view.

Today I stepped into help the gap left by my son at the place he and his half sister work.  He was involved in the kitchen as well and managing the club.  His sister is a whizz at management of clients, the bar,  the nitty gritty of "out of the kitchen" stuff. 

She had to make chicken curry and did not have a clue............so I briefly took of my apron to drive across there and put it back on to make the food.  (My aprons and I are very close,  much to the amusement of my children)

There was a lovely lady that has been running the kitchen for the last few years and doing a damn fine job WITHOUT the resources and support she needed.

So here is my point of view...........

If you want someone to do their job happily and properly,  make SURE -

• You have given them the tools to do their work
• You have given them the correct space to work
• You have given them the resources to complete their tasks
• You have given them the assurance that they are equipped and do NOT need to be micro-managed
• You are prepared to share ideas, trade information and honour their knowledge
• You are determined to empower them and allow them the dignity of a job well done.

IF

You cannot do that -

• You are not a leader
• You are not empowering
• You are not sharing and growing

AND

If you cannot take the heat ........... get out of the kitchen!

FYJ 2019 21.08.19

Part of the Finding Your Joy course was a video interview with Seth Godwin.  He had many intriguing and thought provoking ideas and suggestions.  He also did not take any prisoners..............refreshing and daunting at the same time.

He encouraged us to blog every day about a point of view,  something we see.  The aim was not to garner followers but rather to change the way our brains are wired.

Today's point of view......the vulnerability and the tenacity of the human spirit.  My son was admitted for psych evaluation in a public hospital in South Africa. Today I was aware of the myriad of engagements through eye contact and questions.  The old man lying alone ,  the male patient staring into space and the fleeting connection of our eyes.  To smile at him and see the surprise and then the response of one human being to another.  The greeting and friendly asking of questions to Security personal and Staff,  to watch the body soften and the willingness to share information and direction.

To see my son, the child I fought so hard for and now a man who has made decisions that will have an irrevocable impact in his life.  Watching the separation of  mind from self and family. To know I cannot reach or change anything.

Amid poverty, illness, fear, abandonment, exhaustion, tedious and repetitive work actions,  acknowledgement of the fact that you are human and you exist made a difference to a complete stranger.

We are wired for connection,  and for the majority validation of existence and connection is not complicated.  We are the change agents of our environment, the choice to be kind, engaged and open rests with us.

"The Death of Guilt"

I often lie awake in the early hours of the morning,  woken by disturbing vivid dreams.  My mind races and I struggle to get back to sleep.  In order to assist this I meditate hoping that I can quieten the mind enough to fall asleep.  Sometimes it works,  other times not so well.

One morning I was aware of this enormous red mass looming up from the depths,  red is not a colour I use, wear or have in my home.  This was guilt, and it was immense ,  all-encompassing and terrifying.  Horrified I watched it take form as large as an ocean liner,  filled with regret and mind blowing guilt of all the damage I had done to one person.  The lists of my failures were crammed into this vessel,  threatening to ooze out of the port holes and pollute the ocean. Stunned with this enormity of harm caused to another, a person who I loved,  I abandoned any effort to sleep.

Unpacking this in therapy I was encouraged to work with this,  day by day over the weeks, the ocean liner decreased and became a little green dingy bobbing away.  Never to rest on a good thing,  my therapist said, "Draw it!!!"

And I did!

This is a total departure from my normal work,  and had a mind of it's own.  

The result an abstracty (this is now a word) feel,  but harshly blunt in the story to be told.

iNkwasi - Protector of the Wilderness

Last week,  I took my first step in walking the talk of my journey as an illustrator and print maker.  The KZN SA gallery is holding their annual member's exhibition.  As I was working through the submission form I reached the part where you state the Artist's Statement regarding the work.........and I was stumped.

I was working on this piece when I discovered that my 26 year marriage was a farce.  I stopped drawing.

The African Fish Eagle is incompletely complete!

Staring at the blank paper searching for the words , I realised how emotive the drawing is.  The connection to my marriage.  However importantly, symbolically how the fish eagle is part of my journey through the death of one relationship and the beginning of my relationship with Me. 

A pair of fish eagles regularly visit the Estate.  I will hear their evocative call or see them effortlessly gliding above me.  A constant reminder to keep looking up and to view life situations with the eagle's all encompassing sight.

As we take the time to focus on the detail,  nature reminds us of our connection to the cosmos.

Protector of the Wilderness

reminder of your 

power.

Please will you pass me a map and a compass...........actually, no thank you.

Thank you for your response to my last post.  It is both humbling and empowering to have such feedback.  I know that seems a contradiction in terms but the positive and supportive comments have been hugely appreciated.

Thank you!!!

The question that has been challenging me at the moment is , "Who am I?".  We go through life with various labels, daughter, sibling, girlfriend, wife, mother,friend, nightmare, menace..........we are identified by our careers and our abilities.  But who are we, really?

That has been my challenge and nemesis over the past few weeks.  I am now standing on the precipice or gateway (subject to my emotional state) of redefining and recreating, who am I??

"Chase your passion,

not your safety"

Paulo Coelho

Sounds pretty simple,  but it is rather scary.  Do I have any idea?  Well yes,  I have lots of ideas, not always good!!  

So I was challenged to look at -

• What I loved,  what made me happy?
• What fulfilled a part of me that was empowering and enriching? 
• What put a bounce in my step, and that butterfly feeling in my gut?
• What made me grin like a Cheshire cat?
• What scared me the most?

Passion 

or

Insanity??

Well actually it is a combination of both.

It is the knowing that deep inside you have it.

It is the understanding that some will find your ideas nonsense.

It is the accepting that it is okay,  it is your idea, and will not fit everybody.

It is the belief that putting it out there you will find your tribe,  like attracts like.

It is the strength to know when you need to tweak the idea,  and the bravery to change what does not work.

It is being deliciously, unashamedly, creatively

WORK IN PROGRESS

Who am I?

I am lots of things, and the gift of being alive

allows me to

experiment, discover and be

ENOUGH

wherever this adventure takes me.

In conclusion one of my favourite poets sums it up perfectly -

"Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love.  It will not lead you astray."

Rumi

The Elephant in the Room

Amongst all the angst and disruption that the termination of a relationship brings is one we often choose to ignore,  or at best speak of in hushed tones.  The emotional and mental fall out.  Mental health issues are starting to be discussed on public forums,  and it is about time.  However the reality is many people feel so ashamed, they do not allow others to glimpse into their personal turmoil.

In 2009 I struggled with my own mental health issues,  diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder......it took me two years to fight to get my health back with the assistance of a wise and wonderful psychologist.  The physical and psychological scars still remained compounded with the guilt of how it affected my family.

During the process of the divorce, I found my fight was being undermined by chronic, debilitating anxiety and fear. Grocery shopping became an ordeal.  I would find myself paralysed in the middle of the canned food aisle,  trying to control the need to flee.  I was so reluctant to ask for help as I felt it would reinforce the belief that I was "crazy",  but the rational fortunately prevailed and I reached out to my psychologist.  I recognised the symptoms and knew I could not do this on my own.  Being rational about this did not stop the anger and feeling that I had utterly failed.  I fought going back onto medication,  and raged about the fact I had worked so hard at getting well and was now back where I started.  My ego was having a full blown Prima Donna moment.

HOWEVER

It was the best thing I could ever have done.  I started to unpack, categorise and repack..........and because of who I am, unpack it all again.  It allowed the process of grieving to begin.  It allowed me to merge previous reality with present reality.  To accept that it was okay to feel the way I did,  and I was going to be absolutely fine.

This is where you start to heal.  The scars are not going away,  but they hopefully will make me wiser, compassionate and understanding.

"A healer does not heal you.  A healer is someone who holds space for you while you awaken your inner healer, so you may heal yourself"

Maryam Hasnaa

I have been so blessed not only with my psychologist ,who is fantastic,  but all the people in my life who did not judge me,  did not question me, did not shun me and held the space for me while I found my feet.  People who I have met through this process who have just been there,  been kind, been real.

Thank you!!

Chickens in my Kitchen

Activities in my home are generally organised chaos,  frequently not organised by me.  I share my space with two horses, three dogs, a Siamese feral farm cat , a bearded dragon, OC Duck and his two lady friends, Brown Hen, two younger hens known as The Girls, White Hen (originality prevails) and the Illegal Immigrant, a rather good looking rooster.   This does not include the variety of wild inhabitants which add their own individual stamp on the ambience of our home.

Each member of the household has a very distinct personality,  however today we will concentrate on those with feathers.  O C Duck has an attitude which far exceeds his size and ability for rational thought.  He is obsessed with chasing Gemma the Jack Russel who for the most part canters just out of reach.........however at times he is so overcome with the desire to protect his lady friends that he will make a determined bee line across the garden,  and through the house in pursuit of Gemma.  The location of his ladies is of little concern whilst he is in pursuit.

Preparing to launch home invasion.

The hens on the other hand are far more controlled.  Brown hen who is at least six years old believes my home is an extension of the garden.  She will wander though checking to see what is available to snack on.  The Illegal Immigrant stands at attention on the front verandah furniture and the dog house at the back...........this allows him to survey his surrounds and loudly proclaim his existence.  However let dinner be late and I have a tribe of feathered creatures standing in my kitchen to remind me that my timing is tardy at best.

The gift of these creatures is their presence and that they are present either engaged in defending duck maiden's honour, checking for snacks and cuddles, chasing insects,  leaving me beautiful feathers to draw and collect and communicating constantly.  They remind me to pay attention to my environment,  often making me laugh out loud at their antics.  Well except when Gemma dashes through my legs rapidly followed by a substantial duck,  that is not a dignified sight!!!!!!!!  I find myself marvelling at the intricate nature of feathers,  experiencing the warmth of a freshly laid egg against my cheek, being stared down by a hungry chicken...........those beady eyes take no nonsense!!

When you allow yourself to experience consciously the numerous little marvels,  they all add up to something special.  The healing gift of using your senses to experience your world,  getting out of your head and into the moment.  Laughter and inclusion.

I am grateful for chickens in my kitchen.

Not impressed at being locked out!!!

Etching of my feather gifts.

1st January 2019, New Year, New Beginnings, Fulfilling a Focus!

2018 has been one of the most challenging but empowering year of my life.  I found myself terminating a 26 year marriage with a man I believed was my partner and friend.  A position I never dreamt I would find myself in.  On the 27th September I was tempted to post part of W H Auden's work,  "He was my North,  my South, my East and West.  My working week my Sunday rest.  My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last forever,  I was wrong."   but something stopped me and the one thing this year has taught me is listen to your whole self.  It will never let you down.  So I bounced it off a dear and wise friend,  who said wait...........you are still raw.

She was right and with all due respect Mr Auden was wrong..............love does last forever.  Unconditional love is eternal.  Now before everyone rolls their eyes and sighs,  I am not saying under any circumstances that you should accept compromising, bad behaviour.  You should not accept behaviour which conflicts with your essential human self,  emotionally, physically or mentally.  Simply because you deserve love.  I can love the soul,  while refusing to accept the behaviour which does not serve me.  It is all about choice,  our God given barometer of the How, how do we live our lives?  What choices do we make,  and knowing that we hold the power to change those choices as we change.

Despite the fear, hurt and grief,  this year has gifted me with the most incredible support, love and acceptance.

I learnt it is okay to cry............and I did a lot of that.  

I learnt that it is okay to ask for help,  and accept it when freely given with love. 

 I learnt that I am a whole lot more resilient that I thought I would ever need to be,  and that I can get up and try again.

I learnt that I am blessed beyond measure by the people in my life and the creatures that surround me.

I learnt that the Universe is constantly gifting you if you take the time to see.

I learnt that life has an abundance of lessons,  which I am passionate about sharing so that I can play that forward.

I learnt that despite being scared out of your wits,  you can and must create your reality.  Being out of your comfort zone is an invitation to creativity and exploration.

I learnt that I can believe in me,  and live my truth.

AND

I learnt that love is always enough.

As for chickens in my kitchen..............well that is a story for another day.