24.08.19

Today I watched people I care so deeply for struggle under the load of the actions of someone they love.  And the worst thing is that I cannot help.  

I am trying to fight a system which is bigger than I am.

Trying to fight the injustice and apathy of a country that I love and belong to.  Who has just switched the abuse from one race to another.

Trying to contain the anger that bubbles up within me as I watch someone who believes they are entitled and untouchable,  carelessly put people's lives at risk.

Trying to be normal in the face of people I do not want to explain things to,  partly because I am so tired and partly because I do not have any answers.

Trying to be the bigger person.

and I will go to sleep tonight,

and try again tomorrow.

FYJ 2019 21.08.19

Part of the Finding Your Joy course was a video interview with Seth Godwin.  He had many intriguing and thought provoking ideas and suggestions.  He also did not take any prisoners..............refreshing and daunting at the same time.

He encouraged us to blog every day about a point of view,  something we see.  The aim was not to garner followers but rather to change the way our brains are wired.

Today's point of view......the vulnerability and the tenacity of the human spirit.  My son was admitted for psych evaluation in a public hospital in South Africa. Today I was aware of the myriad of engagements through eye contact and questions.  The old man lying alone ,  the male patient staring into space and the fleeting connection of our eyes.  To smile at him and see the surprise and then the response of one human being to another.  The greeting and friendly asking of questions to Security personal and Staff,  to watch the body soften and the willingness to share information and direction.

To see my son, the child I fought so hard for and now a man who has made decisions that will have an irrevocable impact in his life.  Watching the separation of  mind from self and family. To know I cannot reach or change anything.

Amid poverty, illness, fear, abandonment, exhaustion, tedious and repetitive work actions,  acknowledgement of the fact that you are human and you exist made a difference to a complete stranger.

We are wired for connection,  and for the majority validation of existence and connection is not complicated.  We are the change agents of our environment, the choice to be kind, engaged and open rests with us.

"The Death of Guilt"

I often lie awake in the early hours of the morning,  woken by disturbing vivid dreams.  My mind races and I struggle to get back to sleep.  In order to assist this I meditate hoping that I can quieten the mind enough to fall asleep.  Sometimes it works,  other times not so well.

One morning I was aware of this enormous red mass looming up from the depths,  red is not a colour I use, wear or have in my home.  This was guilt, and it was immense ,  all-encompassing and terrifying.  Horrified I watched it take form as large as an ocean liner,  filled with regret and mind blowing guilt of all the damage I had done to one person.  The lists of my failures were crammed into this vessel,  threatening to ooze out of the port holes and pollute the ocean. Stunned with this enormity of harm caused to another, a person who I loved,  I abandoned any effort to sleep.

Unpacking this in therapy I was encouraged to work with this,  day by day over the weeks, the ocean liner decreased and became a little green dingy bobbing away.  Never to rest on a good thing,  my therapist said, "Draw it!!!"

And I did!

This is a total departure from my normal work,  and had a mind of it's own.  

The result an abstracty (this is now a word) feel,  but harshly blunt in the story to be told.

The Elephant in the Room

Amongst all the angst and disruption that the termination of a relationship brings is one we often choose to ignore,  or at best speak of in hushed tones.  The emotional and mental fall out.  Mental health issues are starting to be discussed on public forums,  and it is about time.  However the reality is many people feel so ashamed, they do not allow others to glimpse into their personal turmoil.

In 2009 I struggled with my own mental health issues,  diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder......it took me two years to fight to get my health back with the assistance of a wise and wonderful psychologist.  The physical and psychological scars still remained compounded with the guilt of how it affected my family.

During the process of the divorce, I found my fight was being undermined by chronic, debilitating anxiety and fear. Grocery shopping became an ordeal.  I would find myself paralysed in the middle of the canned food aisle,  trying to control the need to flee.  I was so reluctant to ask for help as I felt it would reinforce the belief that I was "crazy",  but the rational fortunately prevailed and I reached out to my psychologist.  I recognised the symptoms and knew I could not do this on my own.  Being rational about this did not stop the anger and feeling that I had utterly failed.  I fought going back onto medication,  and raged about the fact I had worked so hard at getting well and was now back where I started.  My ego was having a full blown Prima Donna moment.

HOWEVER

It was the best thing I could ever have done.  I started to unpack, categorise and repack..........and because of who I am, unpack it all again.  It allowed the process of grieving to begin.  It allowed me to merge previous reality with present reality.  To accept that it was okay to feel the way I did,  and I was going to be absolutely fine.

This is where you start to heal.  The scars are not going away,  but they hopefully will make me wiser, compassionate and understanding.

"A healer does not heal you.  A healer is someone who holds space for you while you awaken your inner healer, so you may heal yourself"

Maryam Hasnaa

I have been so blessed not only with my psychologist ,who is fantastic,  but all the people in my life who did not judge me,  did not question me, did not shun me and held the space for me while I found my feet.  People who I have met through this process who have just been there,  been kind, been real.

Thank you!!

1st January 2019, New Year, New Beginnings, Fulfilling a Focus!

2018 has been one of the most challenging but empowering year of my life.  I found myself terminating a 26 year marriage with a man I believed was my partner and friend.  A position I never dreamt I would find myself in.  On the 27th September I was tempted to post part of W H Auden's work,  "He was my North,  my South, my East and West.  My working week my Sunday rest.  My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last forever,  I was wrong."   but something stopped me and the one thing this year has taught me is listen to your whole self.  It will never let you down.  So I bounced it off a dear and wise friend,  who said wait...........you are still raw.

She was right and with all due respect Mr Auden was wrong..............love does last forever.  Unconditional love is eternal.  Now before everyone rolls their eyes and sighs,  I am not saying under any circumstances that you should accept compromising, bad behaviour.  You should not accept behaviour which conflicts with your essential human self,  emotionally, physically or mentally.  Simply because you deserve love.  I can love the soul,  while refusing to accept the behaviour which does not serve me.  It is all about choice,  our God given barometer of the How, how do we live our lives?  What choices do we make,  and knowing that we hold the power to change those choices as we change.

Despite the fear, hurt and grief,  this year has gifted me with the most incredible support, love and acceptance.

I learnt it is okay to cry............and I did a lot of that.  

I learnt that it is okay to ask for help,  and accept it when freely given with love. 

 I learnt that I am a whole lot more resilient that I thought I would ever need to be,  and that I can get up and try again.

I learnt that I am blessed beyond measure by the people in my life and the creatures that surround me.

I learnt that the Universe is constantly gifting you if you take the time to see.

I learnt that life has an abundance of lessons,  which I am passionate about sharing so that I can play that forward.

I learnt that despite being scared out of your wits,  you can and must create your reality.  Being out of your comfort zone is an invitation to creativity and exploration.

I learnt that I can believe in me,  and live my truth.

AND

I learnt that love is always enough.

As for chickens in my kitchen..............well that is a story for another day.