Please will you pass me a map and a compass...........actually, no thank you.

Thank you for your response to my last post.  It is both humbling and empowering to have such feedback.  I know that seems a contradiction in terms but the positive and supportive comments have been hugely appreciated.

Thank you!!!

The question that has been challenging me at the moment is , "Who am I?".  We go through life with various labels, daughter, sibling, girlfriend, wife, mother,friend, nightmare, menace..........we are identified by our careers and our abilities.  But who are we, really?

That has been my challenge and nemesis over the past few weeks.  I am now standing on the precipice or gateway (subject to my emotional state) of redefining and recreating, who am I??

"Chase your passion,

not your safety"

Paulo Coelho

Sounds pretty simple,  but it is rather scary.  Do I have any idea?  Well yes,  I have lots of ideas, not always good!!  

So I was challenged to look at -

• What I loved,  what made me happy?
• What fulfilled a part of me that was empowering and enriching? 
• What put a bounce in my step, and that butterfly feeling in my gut?
• What made me grin like a Cheshire cat?
• What scared me the most?

Passion 

or

Insanity??

Well actually it is a combination of both.

It is the knowing that deep inside you have it.

It is the understanding that some will find your ideas nonsense.

It is the accepting that it is okay,  it is your idea, and will not fit everybody.

It is the belief that putting it out there you will find your tribe,  like attracts like.

It is the strength to know when you need to tweak the idea,  and the bravery to change what does not work.

It is being deliciously, unashamedly, creatively

WORK IN PROGRESS

Who am I?

I am lots of things, and the gift of being alive

allows me to

experiment, discover and be

ENOUGH

wherever this adventure takes me.

In conclusion one of my favourite poets sums it up perfectly -

"Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love.  It will not lead you astray."

Rumi

The Elephant in the Room

Amongst all the angst and disruption that the termination of a relationship brings is one we often choose to ignore,  or at best speak of in hushed tones.  The emotional and mental fall out.  Mental health issues are starting to be discussed on public forums,  and it is about time.  However the reality is many people feel so ashamed, they do not allow others to glimpse into their personal turmoil.

In 2009 I struggled with my own mental health issues,  diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder......it took me two years to fight to get my health back with the assistance of a wise and wonderful psychologist.  The physical and psychological scars still remained compounded with the guilt of how it affected my family.

During the process of the divorce, I found my fight was being undermined by chronic, debilitating anxiety and fear. Grocery shopping became an ordeal.  I would find myself paralysed in the middle of the canned food aisle,  trying to control the need to flee.  I was so reluctant to ask for help as I felt it would reinforce the belief that I was "crazy",  but the rational fortunately prevailed and I reached out to my psychologist.  I recognised the symptoms and knew I could not do this on my own.  Being rational about this did not stop the anger and feeling that I had utterly failed.  I fought going back onto medication,  and raged about the fact I had worked so hard at getting well and was now back where I started.  My ego was having a full blown Prima Donna moment.

HOWEVER

It was the best thing I could ever have done.  I started to unpack, categorise and repack..........and because of who I am, unpack it all again.  It allowed the process of grieving to begin.  It allowed me to merge previous reality with present reality.  To accept that it was okay to feel the way I did,  and I was going to be absolutely fine.

This is where you start to heal.  The scars are not going away,  but they hopefully will make me wiser, compassionate and understanding.

"A healer does not heal you.  A healer is someone who holds space for you while you awaken your inner healer, so you may heal yourself"

Maryam Hasnaa

I have been so blessed not only with my psychologist ,who is fantastic,  but all the people in my life who did not judge me,  did not question me, did not shun me and held the space for me while I found my feet.  People who I have met through this process who have just been there,  been kind, been real.

Thank you!!

Chickens in my Kitchen

Activities in my home are generally organised chaos,  frequently not organised by me.  I share my space with two horses, three dogs, a Siamese feral farm cat , a bearded dragon, OC Duck and his two lady friends, Brown Hen, two younger hens known as The Girls, White Hen (originality prevails) and the Illegal Immigrant, a rather good looking rooster.   This does not include the variety of wild inhabitants which add their own individual stamp on the ambience of our home.

Each member of the household has a very distinct personality,  however today we will concentrate on those with feathers.  O C Duck has an attitude which far exceeds his size and ability for rational thought.  He is obsessed with chasing Gemma the Jack Russel who for the most part canters just out of reach.........however at times he is so overcome with the desire to protect his lady friends that he will make a determined bee line across the garden,  and through the house in pursuit of Gemma.  The location of his ladies is of little concern whilst he is in pursuit.

Preparing to launch home invasion.

The hens on the other hand are far more controlled.  Brown hen who is at least six years old believes my home is an extension of the garden.  She will wander though checking to see what is available to snack on.  The Illegal Immigrant stands at attention on the front verandah furniture and the dog house at the back...........this allows him to survey his surrounds and loudly proclaim his existence.  However let dinner be late and I have a tribe of feathered creatures standing in my kitchen to remind me that my timing is tardy at best.

The gift of these creatures is their presence and that they are present either engaged in defending duck maiden's honour, checking for snacks and cuddles, chasing insects,  leaving me beautiful feathers to draw and collect and communicating constantly.  They remind me to pay attention to my environment,  often making me laugh out loud at their antics.  Well except when Gemma dashes through my legs rapidly followed by a substantial duck,  that is not a dignified sight!!!!!!!!  I find myself marvelling at the intricate nature of feathers,  experiencing the warmth of a freshly laid egg against my cheek, being stared down by a hungry chicken...........those beady eyes take no nonsense!!

When you allow yourself to experience consciously the numerous little marvels,  they all add up to something special.  The healing gift of using your senses to experience your world,  getting out of your head and into the moment.  Laughter and inclusion.

I am grateful for chickens in my kitchen.

Not impressed at being locked out!!!

Etching of my feather gifts.

1st January 2019, New Year, New Beginnings, Fulfilling a Focus!

2018 has been one of the most challenging but empowering year of my life.  I found myself terminating a 26 year marriage with a man I believed was my partner and friend.  A position I never dreamt I would find myself in.  On the 27th September I was tempted to post part of W H Auden's work,  "He was my North,  my South, my East and West.  My working week my Sunday rest.  My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last forever,  I was wrong."   but something stopped me and the one thing this year has taught me is listen to your whole self.  It will never let you down.  So I bounced it off a dear and wise friend,  who said wait...........you are still raw.

She was right and with all due respect Mr Auden was wrong..............love does last forever.  Unconditional love is eternal.  Now before everyone rolls their eyes and sighs,  I am not saying under any circumstances that you should accept compromising, bad behaviour.  You should not accept behaviour which conflicts with your essential human self,  emotionally, physically or mentally.  Simply because you deserve love.  I can love the soul,  while refusing to accept the behaviour which does not serve me.  It is all about choice,  our God given barometer of the How, how do we live our lives?  What choices do we make,  and knowing that we hold the power to change those choices as we change.

Despite the fear, hurt and grief,  this year has gifted me with the most incredible support, love and acceptance.

I learnt it is okay to cry............and I did a lot of that.  

I learnt that it is okay to ask for help,  and accept it when freely given with love. 

 I learnt that I am a whole lot more resilient that I thought I would ever need to be,  and that I can get up and try again.

I learnt that I am blessed beyond measure by the people in my life and the creatures that surround me.

I learnt that the Universe is constantly gifting you if you take the time to see.

I learnt that life has an abundance of lessons,  which I am passionate about sharing so that I can play that forward.

I learnt that despite being scared out of your wits,  you can and must create your reality.  Being out of your comfort zone is an invitation to creativity and exploration.

I learnt that I can believe in me,  and live my truth.

AND

I learnt that love is always enough.

As for chickens in my kitchen..............well that is a story for another day.